Today I am focusing on how strong my body has been for my babies. I struggled with “forgiving “ myself for not being able to keep my boys safe inside me. I am shifting my focus and creating space for love and healing for my boys as well as for myself.
I am strong because I have had healthy pregnancies and beautiful child birth experiencies in the past. I carried my girls to term and lived every joy that a new mother should.
I am strong because I never gave up. I worked so hard at finding the right care. My efforts lead us to Dr Rubin Quintero in a Miami and Dr Al Khan and Dr Alverez Perez in Hackensack. They treated me with incomparable skill but also treated me like family. I had cell phone numbers and was encouraged to call anytime. I always believed they would be here and be healthy. I chose to undergo a life saving surgery for my twin boys. After the surgery my lungs filled with fluid and I couldn’t breathe. I am strong because after 10 days in the hospital and ICU I was able to heal and travel back home.
I am strong because I listened to my body and came for a follow up quickly. I knew something was wrong. In only 4 days our boys were again suffering from ttts and if we delayed there is a good chance they would not have made it. We went from having a regular follow up visit and ended up having an emergency c section only a few hours later. I accepted that there was nothing more I could do. I am strong because I was not able to see or touch my boys after delivery. It was hours before I was able to see their tiny pink perfect bodies through the small windows of their incubators attaches to many wires, monitors, tubes and machines. I am strong because I stay with them in the NICU as much as I can .. although watching them and not being able to hold them or even comfort them at times is heart breaking and against every natural instinct you have as a mother. I am strong because The only thing I can do is pump colostrum and wait for my milk to come in and I am working so hard at making sure my boys have whatever they need. I am strong because I know the next part of this journey will not be easy. I have already watched my babies feet turn blue and hear from doctors worst case senerios. I am strong because I have to leave my most precious gifts with strangers and Trust that they will be taken care of.
I am strong because I will never give up. I will continue to fight as hard as they do. I am strong because I continue to believe in miracles and the power of prayer and angels. I am strong because they are my sons and for them I can do anything!