Today I am focusing on how strong my body has been for my babies.  I struggled  with “forgiving “ myself for not being able to keep my boys safe inside me.   I am shifting my focus and creating space for love and healing for my boys as well as for myself.

I am strong because I have had healthy pregnancies and beautiful child birth experiencies in the past.  I carried my girls to term and lived every joy that a new mother should.

I am strong because I never gave up.  I worked so hard at finding the right care.  My efforts lead us to Dr Rubin Quintero in a Miami and Dr Al Khan and Dr Alverez Perez in Hackensack.  They treated me with incomparable skill but also treated me like family.  I had cell phone numbers and was encouraged to call anytime.  I always believed they would be here and be healthy.  I chose to undergo a life saving surgery for my twin boys.  After the surgery my lungs filled with fluid and I couldn’t breathe. I am strong because after 10 days in the hospital and ICU I was able to heal and travel back home.

I am strong because I listened to my body and came for a follow up quickly.  I knew something was wrong.  In only 4 days our boys were again suffering from ttts and if we delayed there is a good chance they would not have made it.   We went from having a regular follow up visit and ended up having an emergency c section only a few hours later.  I accepted that there was nothing more I could do.  I am strong because I was not able to see or touch my boys after delivery. It was hours before I was able to see their tiny pink perfect bodies through the small windows of their incubators attaches to many wires,  monitors, tubes and machines.  I am strong because I stay with them in the NICU as much as I can .. although watching them and not being able to hold them or even comfort them at times is heart breaking and against every natural instinct you have as a mother.  I am strong because The only thing I can do is pump colostrum and wait for my milk to come in and I am working so hard at making sure my boys have whatever they need.  I am strong because I know the next part of this journey will not be easy.  I have already watched my babies feet turn blue and hear from doctors worst case senerios.  I am strong because I have to leave my most precious gifts with strangers and Trust that they will be taken care of.

I am strong because I will never give up.  I will continue to fight as hard as they do.  I am strong because I continue to believe in miracles and the power of prayer and angels.  I am strong because they are my sons and for them I can do anything!