The nicu today was such a beautiful place…maybe because I had my mom with me, or maybe because my boys are doing so well.. whatever the reason may be, it felt like such a safe space and I cherished every second.
Peter was so comfortable on his belly. I was able to see his face today and couldn’t stop staring at him. It’s like seeing him the first time. He is tolerating his feeds well and hopefully tomorrow will be on full feeds. This means his picc line can come out! He looked so peaceful. I couldn’t bring myself to bother him. I just watched him rest and told him I was there.
Maurice looks stronger everyday .. his color is more pink and less yellow. He has all his ivs out and I know that he is feeling better. He is struggling a little with feedings but getting there. I held him.. and didn’t want to let him go.
I thought of us going home.. the beautiful craziness that awaits. I thought of how this time together, him on my chest .. with no where to go and nothing to do .. how this time and these moments will never be the same. There will be “normal life” filled with chores ,cleaning , siblings.. but when we are here, in this space, nothing else matters. The outside world seems so far away. They are safe. It is just us and as much as I want to rush this and have them home with me.. I’m learning to trust it and to accept it. I have to let go of my plan.. the plan every mom has when they give birth to their new baby .. that plan no longer exists .. I’m learning to breathe .. let go .. and and trust the process.
I’m focusing on how far we have come .. not just how far we have to go . We are not where we want to be , but not where we used to be either. Happy 2 weeks my little loves… we will get there and in the meantime value these moments together.