You can do anything, but not everything.
The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you have lost it. The scale has been favoring one direction for months. It’s safe to say we have lost balance. We had to devote so much to the boys and the pregnancy. There has been very little left for everything else. Our sons are not yet “ok”.. but have improved so much. I’m trying to restore balance and allow myself a “day off” to reconnect with our girls, family, friends, each other, and most importantly, with ourselves.
Saturday, our morning and afternoon was with our boys. When we walked in the room, I was so happy to see a familiar nurse. She was the one who placed Peter in my arms for the first time. She knows my boys well and takes such wonderful care of them.
She had a great report for us. Peter was no longer on Cpap or high flow and was doing well with just a nasal cannula on 1 liter. This means his respiratory system is stronger. He had some tachypnea (rapid breathing) but it was not significant and he did not look like he was straining or using accessory muscles to breathe. Overall he is excellent! He also gained 50 grams and weighs 1565 grams or 3 lbs 7.2 oz.
Next Maurice.. he’s still on CPAP. We had a trial without it and he did not seem comfortable. Also he is struggling with weight gain and we don’t want him to waste any calories trying to breathe. The best news was that he too gained weight (40 grams ) and now weighs 975 grams or 2lbs 2.4 oz. The doctors decided to continue 26 calories for him but were going to increase the volume of his feeding. Weight gain is so essential for him. He struggled tolerating feedings in the beginning and everyone keeps reassuring me that we are just “playing catch up ” now and he will get there. It makes it harder when you see him in comparison to Peter but I continue to try and stay as positive as I can.
This is as good as it could get. Both boys gaining weight and stable.. at least for the few hours when we were there. James and I went to the hospital together. The over 2 hour car ride and time spent in their room is such incredible bonding time for us. I’ve come to cherish it. I know when we are all home, there will be few times when it is just us and our boys.
We left after a few hours and managed to make it in time for our nephew’s second birthday. Our home was filled with love and laughter. We had all our family and friends with us. There was even Mickey Mouse and an ice cream truck. It felt so wonderful to smile and live like things are “normal.” But in reality .. they can’t be right now. Even happiness makes me feel guilty because of how much I miss them. It’s a part of me that is empty and can only be filled when I am with them too… for now all we can do is try to find balance.
Before James and I went to bed, I called the hospital again. The report was just as good as it was earlier and I made the decision to devote Sunday to each other and our girls. We woke up to a rainy day and went to see a movie followed by a beautiful lunch. I think the girls needed it as much as we did. They were excellent and extra affectionate. We are so lucky to have this time.
I tried not to call the hospital too much and kept telling myself they will call me if there are any issues. I’m striving to be the best mom and wife I can be.. I’m learning so much about love and life from these tiny little souls. I think we successfully restored some balance this weekend and I’ll continue to work on keeping it ⚖️