Day 15: 4th of July

The Fourth of July is always one of my favorites. The first big party of the summer… everyone starting to get a little golden… and of course, because it is my anniversary. I woke up to kisses, flowers and cards. I couldn’t stop thinking of how we have come.. playing our story over and over again like a movie in my mind. Our college days .. wedding.. honeymoon.. the birth of our two baby girls… city living to the suburbs.. it’s almost like a dream with some parts so clear and others just flashes in my memory.

I can remember holding your hands during our wedding vows .. the way your skin felt against mine.. the priest surprised us with a beautiful blessing, The blessing of the hands.

“These are the hands of your best friend, strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today tomorrow and forever.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief enter your mind.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.

These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

And lastly, these are the hands, that even when wrinkled and aged, will be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.”

These words have never been more true. We went to see the boys. They are doing so well … growing and feeding. Maurice lost some weight but the doctors are not yet too worried. They said after TPN is stopped you can sometimes see this. I just listened .. I no longer have to ask about heart failure or renal failure. My questions are about eating and weight gain. Peter looks like a mini newborn. I’m so much more comfortable holding him.  He is almost 3 pounds.

But I can’t stop crying .. I don’t know if they are tears of sorrow or joy. I had to be so strong .. for weeks couldn’t feel .. just make sure they were ok.. make sure my girls were ok. Now I can fell again. I miss my girls when I’m at the NICU and miss my boys when I’m home. Everyone is doing better, even our girls are back on a good routine. It’s a scary beautiful ride.

And there you are.. on this crazy rollercoaster..  your hands holding me .. wiping away my tears.. we came home to a house filled with laughter and love. Filled with our closest family and friends. How I love when our home is so full. You bbqed, lit fireworks and made sure everyone had a great time. For the first time in a long time.. life seemed easy..

I know this journey will be filled with many more ups and downs… my heart is split in half.. I’m living separate lives.. my NICU mom life and then our home life. But through it all , I also know, as long as I have you .. holding my hand through it all ..there is nothing we can’t do.

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